How to Increase Web Traffic or Blowing Kathie Lee's Mind

Like my teaching career and pretty much everything I do, this blog is an emotional investment I make purely for myself. I don't want to "sell out" with ads, book deals, or even regular readers. Unh-uh, that's not for me. I'm definitely not the type of person who edits her diary, imagining it to be discovered posthumously and published. Just like Anne Frank, minus the persecution, authenticity, and innocence, of course.

I certainly never daydream (instead of writing) that this ridiculous blog will shoot out of obscurity to one day be featured in a segment with Kathie Lee and Hoda.
 
Hoda: Now, have you heard of this blog, "House of Jars?" It's a blog written by a mom! A mom blogger! Isn't that innovative?! A mom who sits in front of her computer and writes little anecdotes about diapers and homemade baby food! Incredible! Who'd have thought?

Kathie Lee: (Chokes on her wine in amazement.) A mom... blogger!?!? Get out of town, Hoda!!

I like that my mom and my grandma make up the bulk of my readership. I'm fine with it. It's cool. But just for funsies, I googled "how to increase blog traffic." Here's what I learned:

1. "Titles that are short, snappy, on-topic and catchy are imperative"(from The Daily SEO Blog).

Super. Let's take a look at my titles. We have Real Adults Don't Buy Fast Food Breakfast With Dirty Coins and Mommy Cry it Out Sleep Training or How Long Does it Take to Boil an Egg? Or what about my personal favorite The Very Expensive Stomach Flu or I Swear I Don't Have Munchausen Syndrome? Short, snappy, on-topic? Absotootinlutely.

2."Leave comments on other blogs to drive new traffic... It's important to make sure you leave meaningful comments that are likely to invite people to click on your link to read more" (from About.com Blogging).

So I strolled down the information superhighway to find blogs and leave a few comments:

"I like the pictures of all the crap you bought at Walgreens for $9.89. I am however curious about what you will actually do with 76 boxes of scented pantiliners. One time in high school my friend and I wrote a note on a Maxi pad and stuck it to a boy's car. It was so funny. We laughed and laughed. Read my blog."

"IMO it's so nice that your DH and DS and DD were in cahoots with your MIL to make you a nice breakfast in bed and wash all the CDs since your visit from AF made you one irritable SAHM. BTW read my blog."

"I don't actually give a shit about your amateurish attempts at photographing your child's feet in a pile of freshly fallen leaves. Read my blog. Look at my amateurish attempts at photographing a puppet of my father."

3. "Inform search engines and aggregators like Technorati (using the ping functionality) when your blog is updated, this should ensure maximum traffic coming from those sources" (from Blog Project: 30 Traffic Generation Tips).

I. Don't. Understand. These. Words. (Yawn. Sip wine. Shake information from brain.)

4. "Posting new and unique content on a regular basis to your blog is crucial to success" (from Increase Your Blog Traffic). 

Let's see. Since the start of the 2011-2012 school year, I wrote a grand total of 4 new and unique posts. That's an average of 0.6 posts per month. That's dedication. Blood, sweat, and tears on the keyboard my friends.

5. "Finally, and maybe the biggest key to increasing blog traffic is to write interesting and excellent content" (from Increase Your Blog Traffic).

Bwahahahaha! (Wiping away the tears.) Of course. Excellent. Interesting. Who's interested in vomit, runaway Labradors, Popsicle stick puppets of my father, emu oil and bearded lovers? Where's my niche? I'd probably be better off deleting this linguistic hodgepodge and starting a couponing blog. But I can't. Multiple transactions cause me extreme anxiety.  I don't understand what a doubler is. And .14 cents a box doesn't make me hate Hamburger Helper any less.