Baby JAR: Trips to Target used to be such a drag--strapped down in a red shopping cart, watching my mom sniff 11 different kinds of deodorant, Kenny Loggins singing some nonsense about Winnie the Pooh, and a bunch of sad grownups in khaki pants and red shirts shuffling around like zombies. No thanks!
But recently, I discovered a surefire way to liven up my time at Target. Interested? In just a few easy steps you too can learn the secrets of complete shopping satisfaction. Here's how:
1. Poop. Poop loudly, wildly, and with complete abandon. Now wiggle and squirm in the seat. Watch mom realize that she left the diaper bag on the table at home. Laugh.
2. Keep your eyes peeled for any merchandise featuring that silly red puppet, Elmo. Then contort your body, arch your back, and reach for said merchandise with all of your might. Scream "MO! MO! MO! MO! MOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" and cry hysterically. Continue this for at least 4 aisles.
3. Thirsty? No problem. Pull mom's shirt down and expose her nipple to everyone in housewares. She should have worn a turtleneck.
4. If you see a man in the 20-40 age range, point to him and yell "DAD? DAD? DAAAAAAAD!!!!" Watch mom turn red and casually lift her left hand, prominently displaying her wedding band.
5. Convince mom that you're hungry. If you're lucky she'll have one of those overpriced applesauce squeezy things. Take one small mouthful. Now squeeze the rest all over her shirt.
If you follow these simple steps, I guarantee that your trip to Target will be more efficient and definitely more enjoyable. Good luck!
