Even though your blog is anonymous, I have a feeling that you're a really stylish and "put together" woman. What's your secret?
Signed,
Washed Out in Wenatchee
Dear Washed Out,
What a dear you are for noticing! Well, it just so happens that I am very put together, all parts intact and beautifully coiffed. It may look effortless (i.e. like I just rolled out of bed), but it in fact takes a lot of time to look like me.
I recommend waking up at least two hours prior to your estimated departure time. This gives you ample time to examine your pores and pop over to Pinterest for a mo. Giggle over a clever E-card. Maybe wake up your husband to show him the hilarious card. He won't mind. He likes it. Take a minute to throw together 17 pounds of crockpot meals for the freezer. Pull out your miter saw, empty thread spools, egg cartons, and IKEA furniture and throw together an upcycled activity table for your toddler. Don't worry, you have plenty of time because you are a stylish, put together machine of efficiency.
Catch up on important current events through your Facebook news feed. Giggle over another clever E-card. How do they come up with this stuff?! Try to wake up your husband again except now he's locked the door. Too bad. Back to Facebook. Cluck your tongue and sigh in sympathy when you learn that one of your former high school classmates is "having a bad morning... can things get any worse?" Consider "liking" but don't because of confusing connotation. Is it bad manners to "like" another person's pain? Ponder the evasiveness of her status update. What in fact makes it a bad morning? Did her dog eat her night guard? Does she have a weird ingrown hair on her eyebrow? Did her DVR only record 6 minutes of last night's 30 Rock? Accept that you may never know.
Look at the clock and realize that you have approximately 7 minutes to do your hair, makeup, and get dressed. No matter. You can totally do it. Strategically arrange your bizarrely shaped and frizzy bedhead to look like sexy beach hair. Or just got out of a convertible hair. Or just rode in a barrel over Niagara Falls hair. Whatever you can manage really. Get out your makeup bag. Apply your powder foundation, which is hilariously named "well rested." Then put blush called "orgasm" on the apples of your cheeks. Blend. Now laugh and laugh. Because really. Talk about false advertising. Damn you Sephora.
Now get dressed. Try to be a medical professional so you can wear scrubs or something. If that doesn't work, dress appropriately for your specific profession. Now I happen to be a teacher so I wear Dansko clogs, high waisted jeans, a turtleneck, seasonal vest, and dangly seasonal earrings. Oh shit, I forgot my jack-o-lantern socks... be right back.
As I was saying, dress for success. Whatever that looks like. Now you're probably right on schedule, so pat yourself on the back and head out the door sister, you're ready for anything!
Best wishes,
Nan
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| Crockpot meals in the freezer, seasonal socks on the feet, and orgasm on the face... How did you spend your morning? |
